tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20560514824932622172024-02-07T06:36:10.117-08:00Sheldon Has No DealThat American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-1765646524332835432011-04-15T18:06:00.000-07:002011-04-15T18:07:15.227-07:00How It EndedWe're not even considering Dan Savage. Thank you, Jack. Nice decision. :)<br /><br />Also, today was the Day of Silence, so expect another post in a few hours when there are pictures up!That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-48301676229321965412011-04-11T07:47:00.000-07:002011-04-11T08:32:26.442-07:00This summer, I'm taking a huge step. Like, life changing. Radical. I'm going to stick it to the man, and the woman, and anybody who doesn't like it can bite me. <br /><br />This summer, I'm going to refuse to hate my body. <br /><br />In case you weren't aware, (but I suspect you were) this is a huge step for any American woman, because we really are surrounded with the subtle implication that we really aren't good enough. <br /><br />Well, I say fuck it. <br /><br />I'm going to ignore the makeup adds that assume I can't be pretty without lipstick. I'm going to ignore the dating columns I posted about a while back that say I can't be happy without a man to tell me I look good. I'm going to ignore fashion magazines, pictures of celebrities, and that girl in my class who thought a size eight was fat. (Fuck you, Sarah. You said that to my face.) I'm even going to ignore the idea that being fat is a bad thing, in terms of beauty. Why can't fat girls be considered pretty? If anyone's telling me to lose weight, it had better be my doctor. <br /><br />I'm also going to go to the gym regularly, which I've been doing for a while now, because I like feeling strong and dislike being out of breath when I want to run someplace. <br />I'm going to like my body and that's all there is to it. I know this won't work every day, or even every minute of the days it does work, but so what? I'm going to be happy. <br />I'm going to dress however I want. I'll wear a short dress without worrying that everyone can see my thighs, and what if my knees are unattractive? I'll wear shirts with no sleeves and stop caring that maybe my arms look fat. <br /><br />I'm going to learn to like myself, and it's going to be great.That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-62262503613554958152011-04-04T20:54:00.000-07:002011-04-04T21:09:32.236-07:00Dan Savage Can Suck ItI've written this twice today, so it becomes a blog post. :) The first part of the conversation was this: PRISM threw out the idea of having Dan Savage as our keynote speaker for our Queer celebration next year. I dislike that idea, primarily because of this, from his column, published in February. "NSNA" is the person who wrote to him. <br /><br />"With all the minimally sexuals out there making normally sexuals miserable, NSNA, it should be obvious to all regular readers that there’s not exactly a shortage of people who aren’t interested in sex. With that being the case, why would you even contemplate inflicting yourself on a normally sexual person? Why not go find another minimally sexual person? You’ll be doing your minimally sexual self a favor, you’ll be doing your future minimally sexual partner a favor, and you’ll be doing all normally sexual persons everywhere a favor by removing two minimals—you and your future partner—from the dating pool." <br />This hurts my feelings. I will be pissed if PRISM has him come speak. Slim chance, I hope, but I will be pissed. The response was, is this so wrong? Shouldn't people be compatible? They could. There's nothing wrong with wanting that, but that doesn't have to be the be-all-end-all of every relationship. <br /><br />Here was my response: <br />For one thing, he doesn't take into account the idea that people could be happy making compromises. I've sifted through some of the other things he's written about asexuals as part of this conversation PRISM is having, and without exception he's sarcastic and dismissive. His schtick is being an abrasive jerk and that's okay because nobody's making me read his column, but I don't want that for our keynote, because respect for everybody needs to be the default for speakers we bring to campus. <br />As for the problems I have with his ideas: He explicitly says that it is cruel for an asexual to even think about being in a relationship with a sexual. In response to another letter from somebody who is making that kind of relationship work, he does say that if that works for them, then okay, but he starts his response with "I think your boyfriend must be either a fool or a fag." He explicitly says he doesn't believe that the boyfriend could be happy with an asexual- that it's just impossible. <br />"Why would you even think of inflicting yourself on a sexual person." The wording here really sucks, because it makes everything I feel wrong and mean. If I even think about liking a sexual boy, I'm doing a bad thing. And removing myself from the dating pool would be doing everyone a favor- meaning then they won't have to deal with me. I won't be around to "fool" them because they assume that I'm straight. I never tell people I'm straight. I'm not fooling anyone- they assume and they're wrong. But in this paragraph, it's all my fault. What he's writing here blames asexuals for wanting to be loved and finding a dating pool consisting almost entirely of sexual people. What other choice do I have? If I knew any asexual boys, maybe I could be interested in them, but I don't. And everything he writes here blames me for that and tells me I'd be doing everyone a favor if I spent the rest of my life alone. {End of my response} <br /><br />This has left me having one of those evenings where I'm almost having to convince <em>myself</em> that there's nothing wrong with me, and that's hard. Even a friend who's always been a good ally in the past, and who still is, can't see a problem with what's being written here. <br />It makes me feel alone- if even my allies think he's right, maybe he is, I think to myself. Even allies wouldn't be able to bring themselves to love somebody like me, and in theory don't they already? Don't they, or do they not really understand? What if I had them all wrong? <br />I'm so, so glad that I'm not the only asexual person in PRISM when we're having this debate. For some reason, this hurts worse than anything, maybe because my allies are haivng problems seeing why I'm upset- I'm not getting any of the support that I believed I could expect from these people. That hurts as much as the crap Dan Savage is spewing up there. I feel let down by them, and it makes me question whether I can rely on them when it's really tough, when push comes to shove- like it's doing now. When I ask them to choose between believeing the validity of my feelings and believing the validity of Dan Savage's arguments, what if they choose him? <br /><br />This conversation is far from over, and I haven't heard from everybody who was in the meeting tonight where this was discussed. The reactions may be totally different when we have a chance to really get into this matter next week.That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-13944463545395266892011-03-14T16:09:00.000-07:002011-03-14T16:13:00.453-07:00Crappy, Girly Dating WebsitesEvery so often, I get into doing this thing where I read dating and relationship blogs. I'd love to know why I do this, because the heteronormativity of it all drives me insane after a while. So, let's explore that. Also, I'm sitting in my Geology class and I'm bored.<br />Question number one: Why on earth am I reading relationship columns? Honestly, the answer is kind of TMI...<br /><br />I'm hormonal. Yeah. Sorry for that. I think there's more to it, though. Like, why crappy dating websites and not rom-coms? (Apart from the fact that I hate rom-coms at any time of the month.)<br />Part of it may be that I'm searching for some kind of a relationship model. By the standards of the blog I'm reading, I've been single so long I should take up spinning (as in yarn or thread, not as in the exercise bike thing my Grandma does). This means that I may have forgotten how to date- at the very least, there's a part of me that thinks I'm doing something wrong. By reading about the kinds of relationships I might like to have, I imagine that I'm trying to learn how to do what these women are doing. Typical me, trying to read something to learn how to date.<br />The other aspect may be an attempt to find a specific kind of vicarious experience. I get to read about the ups-and-downs of a relationship and daydream and live through the writer, but I neither have to be hurt myself or feel envious. I can watch the writer's relationships happen but I can't watch my friends'. The writer doesn't always have other dinner plans. (Well, she does, but I don't care. I don't count on her to eat dinner with me.) I can enjoy the light drama without it ever affecting my life.<br /><br />So, that explains why I would read junk like this. Now lets talk about why it eventually drives me nuts. This is as simple as my first reason, and half as embarassing for you...<br /><br />Hereonormativity. Yeah. That. I highly doubt that the writer has anything against GLBTQQIAAP such as me (or us, if you identify that way, too) but of course her experience is of a straight, sexual woman. This asexual girl has a really hard time identifying with that experience. So much of what she writes is about whether she was sexually compatible with her date, or how fast they did or did not have sex, or whatever... One of her lists (I like lists) is of things to remember now that she's in a relationship and one item on that list is to remember how much she would have enjoyed regular sex with a loving partner when she was single, and so not to say no too often- not in a sense that she owes it to the guy for some reason, but in an attempt not to take for granted a part of her relationship that's special to her.<br />Obviously I can't relate to any of that. She does redeem herself to me, though, my putting that farther down the list than the reminder not to forget about her friends and family, and to be sure to make time for the other people she loves.<br />The last aspect of this that I dislike is that she is clearly a person who prefers to spend 90+% of her time with the boyfriend, when she has one. People like this make me feel like an afterthought and also uncomfortable, so I can't identify at all with the way she percieves her relationships.<br /><br />Fact is, though, that I'm not nearly done reading everything on this website. Chances are this is what I'll do with my evening (and put off the reading that I should have finished by the time I pick Rūta up at the bus station tomorrow).<br /><br />Can't wait until my hormones calm back down...That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-31452169479540295482011-02-22T18:50:00.001-08:002011-02-22T20:03:51.182-08:00Schmekel, Sheldon and Role ModelsA few weeks ago, my beloved PRISM had the super awesome band Schmekel (Transgender, Jewish Punk/Polka? Heck yes!) play at our school for TransAction day and we got to take the band out to dinner. I was lucky enough to show up late and occupy the only empty seat, which was with the band and a couple of my PRISM friends. So we got talking about any number of things, but the overarching theme was queer stuff- go figure- and at one point one of the band members commented that they "end up being big brothers" to other trans kids who are in the process of coming out.<br />And then I kind of started wishing that I'd had somebody like that, an asexual big brother or sister who already knew how it all works and what it's like.<br /><br />As it is, I began my asexual journey with no clear indication of how one went about this. I didn't have anyone to discuss my coming-out process with, or to trade stories with. One of the ways in which we validate our identities is through discussion and construction of narratives about how our lives are lived as people who identify a certain way and I think we all know that there's no perfect substitute for being able to construct that narrative alongside somebody who is going through the same life story.<br /><br />In the absence of a personal friend or acquaintance we can look up to and learn from, how are young asexual people supposed to find a role model for our lives? We have a few places we can look and one of them is, I'll tell you right away, a failure: the media.<br /><br />Now, don't get me wrong- I love Sheldon Cooper. Problem is, he's fictional. He's also abrasive, oblivious and obnoxious. He makes a great sitcom character, but a terrible real-life friend. Sherlock Holmes is much the same way, although the BBC version of him is reasonably endearing. A slightly better choice is Kevin from Guardian of the Dead- he's the "best friend" character and is written as a believable asexual character which is to say, like a normal person who, by the way, is ase. Overall, though, the media's a crapshoot. Role model status is a lot for Kevin alone, so let's move on.<br /><br />Online options are slightly better, and I often fill the role model position that is open in my life by reading asexual blogs and frequenting Livejournal. This isn't too bad- it gives me access to older asexuals, or at least asexuals who do lots of deep blogging, and this gives me a way to participate in some kind of dialogue with other asexuals. It's what I do if I'm feeling alone, because it's a quick way for me to get a fix of the feeling of belonging. Long term, it's a great way to stay in touch with the asexual community and become part of this dialogue.<br /><br />The last option, which I'm sort of combining with the online option, is to adopt role models of other orientations and identities. What I've ended up doing is learning from the older queer students on my campus. Lacking an asexual role model, I've watched how older (and sometimes not older, just other) queer students negotiate the world around them. From them, I have been able to learn what it means to live with a queer identity and I'm grateful to all of them, maybe even more because they accepted me and took me in and let me belong even though I was, for some of them, the first asexual person they had ever met and they were as clueless about the formation of an asexual identity as I was. They were and are my role models without even knowing that they are. It would be weird to say it to any of them directly, I guess, but I can say it here- they do beautiful things for my soul and I'm grateful every day to know and be part of this community.<br /><br />At that dinner, with Schmekel, the talk turned to one of the guys at the table coming out as trans and kind, "older brother" advice was offered. "However they react," somebody suggested, "just take it in stride. It'll be okay."<br />And although it wasn't meant for me, I listen and I learn. And I take it in stride- it'll be okay for me, too.That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-9227640969612507242011-01-31T12:32:00.000-08:002011-01-31T12:57:31.634-08:00Best Out-Coming EverIt feels good to be blogging again. After a hiatus of, what, a year and a half, I feel like I have things to say again, and more of them. We shall see.<br /><br />After yesterdays depressing gripe-fest, I'm going to share something happy, something worth celebrating, something that makes me feel good about life and my sexuality.<br />In this story, that something is my friend Sean.<br /><br />As I'm sure we're all aware, coming out can be a real pain in the butt. It usually involves explaining asexuality thoroughly and, at least if you're me, lots of blushing and tripping over one's own tongue. That's why, on the way home from school for Thanksgiving break, I ended up coming out to a friend in the clumsiest way possible. The whole car-ful of us were mid conversation and how my sexuality became relevant I really couldn't say, but I ended up blurting out, "I'm... uh, I'm asexual. I can... uh, explain if you want, or I guess you could just google it."<br />Since Sean didn't ask for an explanation, I was kind of just praying he hadn't heard me and I could try the whole thing again when I was prepared to sound like I had a brain in my head, and the subject didn't come up again.<br /><br />Fast forward about a month. Sean and I are in the car again, this time just the two of us, and I'm driving him home. Both being flaming liberals, we can talk politics together without getting mad and so that's what we were doing. Again, very casually, my asexuality came up and this time I was prepared. From what he was saying, though, it seemed that he already understood what asexuality is.<br />I asked him where he'd heard of it and it turned out that Sean, God bless him, had gone home and googled asexuality, just as I had so awkwardly suggested. He had read a few things on the subject and then gone to talk to his mom, who's a psychologist, and who is apparently totally Ase positive and accepting. His explanation was simple: He wanted to understand me.<br /><br />This is possibly the nicest coming-out I've ever had and here's why. I didn't have to do the work here- Sean took it upon himself to understand me without asking me to put a huge amount of effort into being understood. There was no challenge of my identity and although I said later that if he had anything he wasn't sure about I'd be happy to explain, he's never really asked me to.<br />It's not that I mind doing the educating, but I appreciate the stance he took, which was that I was under no obligation to drop everything and teach a 101 lesson on asexuality. Not having to be a constant "voice of the community" was really lovely.<br />And then, having done the research, Sean was just totally accepting and his whole goal in this situation was to understand me as a person and as his friend. His interest came from a totally good, kind place and I hope I made it clear to him just how much I appreciated that.That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-20699305331402460962011-01-30T19:56:00.000-08:002011-01-30T20:10:06.704-08:00One of those days...Yes, I'm having one of those days. I feel cynical and sad and lonely and queer. Funny how often that set of things goes together, I think.<br />I never feel straight or heteronormative or whatever- I never really have and being able to say that I feel queer or asexual is a huge improvement in a lot of ways. It's also not so much that feeling queer makes me feel cynical and sad and lonely (and unattractive). Quite the opposite, in fact; feeling cynical and sad and lonely (and unattractive, a perpetual state) drives home to me my essential queerness. Something inside says "you're not lovable and it's becuase you're queer."<br />Never does it say "I feel queer today- so I suppose nobody will love me."<br />Perhaps this is becuase I have so much evidence that I am loved, despite or because of my queer identity. My friends certainly don't care that I'm asexual and, in fact, I've made some friendships thanks to PRISM that I would likely not have made otherwise.<br />But frequently, when I'm feeling unattractive and unlovable my queerness opresses me and makes me wonder whether, if I were only straight or at least a lesbian, I wouldn't be more lovable?<br />I suspect that this is not the case. If I were the sort of person with whom others fall in love, as I wish that I was, they would fall in love with me anyway. I would still be asked out on dates, as I've made it very clear that I would date, given the chance.<br />This is precisely my problem. If I felt that I was dateless because I am asexual, I wonder if that would make it all easier. If I could somehow confirm that the only thing wrong with me is my asexuality, would that make it easier to feel desirable? Then it would be I who did not desire the boys around me. Instead, it is they who do not desire me. The fault, then, must lie with something more obvious than my sexuality, which I could hide if my priorities dictated that relationships were more important than the truth. The fault must be something deeper. Perhaps, I think to myself on nights like tonight, perhaps I am simply hideous. I'm too big for any boy to look twice at, of that I have convinced myself. I'm too tall and too broad and too... shall we say "fluffy"?<br />Hypocrite that I am, I support the idea of what they're calling "fat acceptance" and yet I want desperately to be thin and beautiful and alluring. Instead, I am chubby and thickset and awkward beyond all imagining.<br />I'm having one of those days.<br />Welcome back to my blog.That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-86970088134004950322009-08-24T19:51:00.001-07:002009-08-24T20:07:35.606-07:00A Real Live CrushNo, I don't have one. Well... maybe not? I don't think so? Long story. But it is <em>so incredibly awkward</em> when I think someone might have one on me. I don't know how much more there is to say about it, but knowing me I'll come up with some commentary.<br /><br />The thing is, crushes are more complicated for asexuals than for sexuals, which is saying a lot because I don't think crushes are particularly simple for sexuals. An asexual person is gonna have one of two pretty unique experiences. If they're aromantic, that's one situation and if they're romantic, that's another altogether.<br /><br />So, I'm no expert on being aromantic because I'm romantic (though not very, and not in the stereotypical way. That's a post in itself). But I'm going to venture a guess that being aromantic and knowing someone has a crush on you is probably super awkward. Cause there's not a snowball's chance in heck that you're going to feel the same way about them. And if you're romantic, it's awkward because you still aren't quite going to feel the same way about them, with the added bonus of the fact that you might be quite interested in them, but not in the way they are interested in your or in the way they'd like you to be interested in them. Yikes.<br /><br />How do people handle this? I've kind of got this idea that I'd like any guy I'd be into dating to know that I'm asexual. I don't know if I'd be able to have sex with anyone- I've just never been in a position to find out, because if I were ever to allow someone to have sex with me I'd have to trust them more than anyone in the world. I'd have to be more comfortable with them than with anyone else. It would take a lot of real closeness for me to be okay with that. What that means in a relationship is that we're not going to be doing the whole premarital sex thing, because if I were close enough to a guy to be able to have sex with him we'd be so close that we were married. Tell me if this doesn't make sense. But the problem is, at what point is is appropriate to tell someone? I want to get it out in the open <em>before</em> I start dating someone, but what if sexuality just isn't something we discuss? I try to avoid "the talk" because that's awkward and it makes a bigger deal out of it than I'm cool with. Gotta think about this one some more.That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-34752827896930482442009-08-21T06:45:00.000-07:002009-08-21T07:34:23.659-07:00Gender-Fluid in a Gender-Solid WorldThis blog is turning out to be as much about gender as it is about asexuality. Not what I was planning, entirely, but hey, who am I to complain? An idea is an idea.<br /><br />This week is orientation week at my University and I signed up to be an orientation leader because I'm crazy and masochistic. (Our dorms have no air conditioning, so I'm melting this week.) I'm having fun anyway.<br /><br />One thing we did, during Orientation Leader training, was play a huge 120 person game of "trainwreck". This consists of sitting in a huge circle with one person standing in the middle. That person says their name and a fact about themselves and then anyone for whom that fact is true stands up and runs to find a new seat. The catch being, of course, that there is one more person than there are chairs and someone is left standing to begin the next round.<br /><br />One of the facts someone used was "I am a girl" and later, "I am a guy". Of course, I stood up for "I am a girl", but because it's me and I think about my gender so frequently, I wondered- how would I have felt standing up for "I am a girl" if I felt more like a boy that day? Sometimes I do. It depends on a lot of different factors, none of which I'm going to detail here because I already did so in a very long series of earlier posts. As I'm sure we're all aware, it would have been all kinds of not fun if I had stood up for "I am a guy". People would have been very confused, probably would have corrected me and I would have been embarassed.<br />My gender identity has to do with my everyday life, but not really very much. I'm content with people reading me as female and treating me accordingly. It's just that sometimes I don't feel like a female. Honestly is not a requirement for playing "trainwreck", but what if my gender identity <em>had</em> really mattered to me, enough that I stood up and, in running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, implied that I'm not a girl?That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-57809448451487343082009-08-12T19:50:00.001-07:002009-08-12T20:06:49.813-07:00Filler and Fluff from the Beach!So, what the heck is it with me not being capable of updating even once a week? I really do think that this will get more regular as I get back to school. Sneak preview- I decided (right this second, no lie) to do a weekly Monday-night update. What's so special about monday nights, you ask?<br /><br />Monday night is PRISM night!!<br /><br />Have I explained/bragged about PRISM yet? My beloved GSA... We meet every monday night and I love going to meetings. Plus, they're awesome and super supportive. I'll need to do a whole post on them at some point. The upshot of all this is that I always come away from PRISM with something to think about and though I do usually work up the courage to share (I'm a tad shy. Okay, really shy. I address all my comments to the center of the floor) I often have more to say, or I develop my thoughts further as I have more time to think about them. What better way to get it all out than to blog a bit? Plus, that means more/more regular updates here. Win, Win, Win, as Michael Scott would say.<br /><br />As the title of my post suggests, I'm at the beach this week with the whole extended family. This means lots of quality time with my very liberal relatives, which is cool because I'm not in the minority for this one week every summer. It also means quality time with the brother.<br /><br />My brother's been doing this funky thing lately where he apparently is obsessed with people's sexualities. He makes loads of gay jokes and calls people gay when what he really means is "dorky" or "strange". (He's 17. Perhaps that just explains it?) He also likes to give me heart attacks, and I nearly had one when he slyly referenced this blog, which, as you will recall, he has read. Out of curiosity, Tom, are you still reading this?<br />What I don't get is people's obsession with various sexualities. If sombody's a different sexuality than you, who gives a flying flip? Really, what does it matter? People insist that it does, but I can't think how. And somehow it's so important to each and every one of us. It changes the way we view people, the way we talk to them, the way we look at them...<br />I'm trying subtlely to prepare the family for me being asexual. Like insisting to my cousins yesterday that no, there really is not any guarantee that I'll ever be somebody's mom. Honestly, no. Just because I'm female does not mean I will ever have children. Gotta break down those notions now, because it's better to learn to take people as individuals. Just becasue somebody can physically have kids, doesn't mean they will.<br />Cake to anyone who can figure out how many points I just made in this post. I'm really really tired and misspelling every second or third word. Off to bed!That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-17985915027251514752009-08-04T21:10:00.000-07:002009-08-04T21:24:13.840-07:00The Internet is for Porn (sometimes)After that last post, I'm going to stick in one that's a little less whiny. Angsty. Whatever.<br />Anyway, as I suggested a couple posts back, I found an asexual sort of viewpoint in that song, "The Internet is for Porn" from Avenue Q. I love that song- it's hysterical. For anyone who hasn't heard it, first of all- Youtube. Second of all, just so you can keep reading, in a nutshell it's about a girl who's "teaching a lesson" (I don't actually know what's going on, but that's how the song begins) about the internet and is going on about how great it is while another character interjects the phrase "for porn". Like this-<br />"The internet is really really great (for porn)<br />I have a fast connection so I don't have to wait (for porn!)"<br />And then the girl gets upset and tells the other character off because of course the internet is not for porn at all! She points out to other characters what sort of chaste things they do while online- shop, pay bills, send e-cards and stuff like that. Then the other character objects, "But what you think they do <em>after</em>?"<br />And they all admit that, yes, <em>after</em> they look at porn. The girl is totally disgusted. She can't believe that "normal people" would look at porn online. Never occurred to her and it disgusts her once it's pointed out. Totally sounds like something from the "Incredibly Ase Moments" thread on AVEN (which I love and read religiously).That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-66301710617332119122009-07-29T20:35:00.000-07:002009-07-29T21:17:27.058-07:00Third-Wheeling ItSo, I have relationship problems. (Uh, what else is new with me? Not much.) My own relationship problem in the sense that it deals with the relationship between my best friend and I, but also his relationship which can be defined in the more traditional sense- with a girl.<br />So, I'm going to attempt to clarify for myself as well as for anyone reading why I am so upset when he gets into a new relationship. Not angry, but sad is probably the word I'm looking for here. I guess the reason would be that when he starts a relationship, guess where the sun starts to shine out of? Yup. So, I can look forward to seeing her every time I see him, I know I'm going to hear about everything they do together as well as plenty of things she does alone and tells him about. He likes to pass on interesting stories and to talk about things that interest him- especially the girlfriends.<br />The crazy thing is, I always get along with the girlfriends really well. He has yet to date a girl I didn't like and get along with. So what am I so sad about? I guess I feel like I lose my friend for a while when he partners with someone. I don't get him to myself until they break up and when we're in a group together he (and this sounds incredibly childish in my head) pays attention only or at least mostly to her. I feel like I have to turn cartwheels to get his attention to talk about something. I perpetually feel like I'm interrupting "their time" together.<br />I proabably could file this one under jealousy, too. We're really close and spend a ton of time together and it's like he starts dating and I lose all that time I used to enjoy with my friend.<br />So, an ongoing "thing" (I'm really sorry, I have no idea what else to call it) is that I'm always a nice number-two person. My problem here is that with the friend in question, we're each other's number-one people, the brother and sister, we always go to each other first with ideas and thoughts and to spend our free time... until he starts dating again. And then, just like that, I'm number two. He doesn't stop calling me, he doesn't leave me out of things we might have done together, he doesn't disappear. But I lose my number one. I feel like I'm being cheated on. (For the record, until I typed that I had never been able to pinpoint the reason behind the way I feel about his relationships. Just so you know the depth of what you're reading.) I still consider him my number-one person (family doesn't count, they're a category of their own) but he doesn't consider me his number-one anymore. It's like being left- over and over and over again and always making up in the end.<br />I don't know what I hope to gain from this post. I'm using it to figure out my feelings and so I should throw in this- that I connect this feeling to being Asexual. I feel that if I were sexual I would understand how somebody could have a new number-one so quickly. I don't- whenever I've dated, my friends were still my number-ones, which I sincerely hope never hurt one of the boyfriends. (Not like there were many anyway.) I feel like if I were sexual I could have my own number-one who I was dating and then we could be each other's number-two people and then it would be equal.<br />But I'm not and I feel really left behind and I have no way of explaining it to this person so that he'd understand. I don't even think of him changing because it is impossible and would result in resentment towards me, destroying our friendship. I don't know what to think.<br />End angsty post. Thanks guys.That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-14573893398229605992009-07-09T20:43:00.000-07:002009-07-09T21:01:39.989-07:00Guilty ListingThis is what I've been up to lately:<br />~Hiking in the desert<br />~Seeing the Grand Canyon<br />~Spending 12-hour days in the car<br />~Changing the occasional tire on the side of a highway in Texas<br />~Catching up on those podcasts David Jay did a while back<br />~Daydreaming<br />~Fiction writing<br />~Feeling guilty for not updating my blog in forever.<br />~Finding out what adjective goes with sheep (sheep are 'ovine' like cats are feline.)<br /><br />What I haven't been doing:<br />~Forgetting about the blog<br /><br />I've actually had a boatload of ideas for posts. I'm going to write them down here as teasers/space fillers/to assuage my conscience.<br />~Asexuality in the song "The Internet is for Porn"<br />~My inability to write about relationships when I write fiction<br />~How I used to feel about not being "out" to my parents, and how I feel about it now<br />~How I really should have written these things down as I thought about them :)<br />~The podcast.That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-23179371289767005312009-06-19T10:26:00.000-07:002009-06-19T10:31:50.404-07:00How I Came Out To My BrotherHe found this blog.<br />Henrik had been joking that if I wanted to come out to my family, I should have them listen to the podcast we're doing* and of course I didn't take him seriously. But I left AVEN up once, apparently, even though I thought I was being as careful as I could be. Guess not.<br />So my nosy little brother (not little anymore: he's about to turn 18 and graduated from High School yesterday, which I'm very proud of him for) had a good look at the AVEN boards and foun my username. As he explained it, he figured I was the only one dorky enough to have a lolcats avatar (I'm totally not!) and when he saw the link to this blog, he got that it was a Big Bang Theory reference and knew for sure that I was the only one who would do something like that.<br />His plan, he said, was to read the blog and comment anonymously to 'get the whole story', but he changed his mind and just asked me about it instead. And he's totally cool with me being ase.<br />Happy ending.<br /><br /><br />*have I plugged my podcast yet? <a href="http://www.blogger.com/alifepodcast.wordpress.com">alifepodcast.wordpress.com</a>That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-26953129423533156222009-06-16T14:55:00.001-07:002009-06-16T14:57:38.388-07:00The Picture, As Promised<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiilJBxxSy0KuwlolPtVq8oYJOh8U3QS-sJgMcIxngeMKO72HfTHUqCr3UdJYHTKxoMStpXoz3rKfG9JWEUBaVbYRRWVypU9PPYFZFt6fMYjBEvHDhWSdojgm_yylVaZhbGEOeYsUlJve8/s1600-h/me.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348047657596481730" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiilJBxxSy0KuwlolPtVq8oYJOh8U3QS-sJgMcIxngeMKO72HfTHUqCr3UdJYHTKxoMStpXoz3rKfG9JWEUBaVbYRRWVypU9PPYFZFt6fMYjBEvHDhWSdojgm_yylVaZhbGEOeYsUlJve8/s320/me.jpg" border="0" /></a> Here I am. Don't I look nice? If you're not sure why you're looking at this picture, read "Don't Dress So Asexually" part 3. Come to think of it, you'd better start back at part one, so it'll all make sense. Happy reading!<br /><div></div>That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-845415818714520192009-06-16T14:12:00.000-07:002009-06-16T14:38:08.155-07:00"Don't Dress So Asexually" pt. 3The thought I left off with at the end of Part Two was that the way I dress sometimes affects my gender identity as it exists that day as much as my gender identity affects the way I dress. A situation can do the same thing.<br />When I dress up for church, for example, part of the way I make the decision what to wear is based on how my gender identity feels when I wake up that morning. If I feel boyish, I put on pants (still women's pants, mind you) and look around for a button-down shirt. If I'm feeling feminine, I have a couple of cute dresses to choose from. (Somehow, no matter what my gender identity is, I'm stuck with high heels, because I own no other nice shoes.)<br />Similarly, when I wake up in the morning I choose between a t-shirt, a button-down shirt or a tank top based pretty heavily on whether I feel boyish or girly that day. It doesn't take a drastic change in what I'm wearing to make me feel comfortable on an average day. I can fulfill the need to feel boyish by pulling my hair back tight and wearing a button-down shirt and sneakers. If I feel girly, I can wear a tank top and wear my hair down. Easy stuff.<br />A little more complicated is when I can't really choose what to wear- some situations, I'm just expected to wear a dress. Let me be clearer about this: I am never in a situation where I'm forced to look more masculine than I want to. I'm often in situations where I'm expected to look more feminine than that day's gender identity would have me feeling comfortable with. I often compensate by acting more manly than is really necessary and I have to be careful to "sit like a lady" in any case, if I'm in a dress. Still, I can usually adapt pretty easily. My flexible gender identity/expression isn't really a cause of any emotional turmoil for me.<br />More interesting, to me, are the situations where my clothing affects my gender identity. This is usually when I'm in a dress, or when I'm the only girl in jeans and a t-shirt. I start to feel more masculine when I'm with a group of girls who are all dressed more nicely than I- this was a common thing when I was younger and it was in vogue in my age group for girls to hang out at the mall. Frequently, the other girls would dress up, so as to look cute for any boys who might be there, and I would just be in a t-shirt with my hair in a ponytail. Talk about being the token guy!<br />The other place this happens in when I reenact (Yeah, I'm one of those nerds!) and where, of course, I'm wearing a very lovely, old-fashioned dress. And petticoats. And a corset. There's just something about this that makes me feel very feminine- I like the idea of being a lady in that situation and I never have gender issues while I'm reenacting. It's very easy for me to be just straight-up female. The other thing that probably contributes to my feminine identity in that situation is the fact that the men in those situations treat me as a lady- just like men are supposed to have done in the 19th century. All this works together to make me feel like a lady, just as I'm expected to be. And I really don't mind it. Unlike a real 19th century lady, though, I'm not lacking in rights and opportunities and I think that's what makes the difference. For the most part, I am still thought of as an equal, though I'm treated differently, so I'm not putting up with any of the male-dominated culture stuff that women then did. So I can enjoy being treated nicely, I can enjoy not having to pitch in- although actually I feel guilty about not doing more work, which I know I'm capable of. But last time I tried to help pack up the Unit's gear after an event one of the guys looked at me like I was crazy and said "hand me that". When I did, He said to the guy who'd asked me to pick the stuff up and said, "She's in a dress" as though that explained the whole thing. I actually found it pretty funny. But then, as a good buddy of mine says, "With chivalry comes chauvenism" and I think he's right. But still, in this instance, I can feel female and enjoy it because it doesn't feel like real life. I don't have the experience the downside of being female at that time and it's all playacting- my gender doesn't matter because for the whole weekend I'm living the life of somebody other than me.<br />I think that may, in fact, be about everything I want to say about my gender. Wow. I'm sure I'll come back to it, possibly in a more explicit fashion, having worked out in my mind what I want to say, and talk about the ase community and gender in general, but I think that covers the specifics.<br />Having talked so much about my hobby, I think it deserves a picture. Let me figure out how to post one...That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-76853727091966611592009-06-09T06:50:00.001-07:002009-06-09T07:06:19.095-07:00"Don't dress so asexually" pt. 2So this time I promised to explain how being asexual makes me mentally androgynous (a word I can't spell without looking it up).<br />I think it works like this: Because I'm not interested in 'coupling off' in the traditional sense, I don't need to be particularly female. I don't need to do any of the things that women typically do to find a male partner. I have a really hard time explaining to people without some background in the LGBTA community what that means, because they don't see it in themselves. To them, acting gendered is just a very natural way of being and because they see the obvious differences between themselves and other people who act in a way specific to their gender, they don't see the difference when someone is not gendered. It doesn't help that I look like a very average girl, though I feel like your typical amoeba.<br />So, when I say that I don't need to do the things women do to find a partner, what do I mean by that? I'm not referring to wearing miniskirts or makeup. Although I think you'll find that sexual women do that much more often than asexual women, there are plenty of sexual women who wear no makeup at all and there are probably plenty of asexy women who wear lots of makeup. I think it's more often the little things- they way a woman walks, the way she looks at a man she's attracted to, the way she behaves around him, and men do the same thing- they walk a certain way, look at women a certain way and behave a different way towards attractive women than they do towards guys.<br />I often say that I give out 'ase vibes', because I rarely get any attention from men (I mean <em>that kind</em> of attention) and with most guys I find it very easy to be myself, in contrast to sexual women who, more often than asexys, get silly and giggly about men. I think I told a story in an earlier post about an outing with my Girl Scout troop, several years ago, in which these budding teen mothers decided to 'pick up boys'... who then spent the evening talking to me, since I was the only girl who was willing to act like she had a brain in her head.<br />And while I don't act like a woman, I don't actually act mannish either, leaving me somewhere smack dab in the middle of the gender spectrum. In a group of girls, I feel like the token guy. In a group of guys, I am very definitely the woman. How gendered I feel, and in what way, is affected by the setting I'm in because with my female friends I notice all the little things they do that make them feminine and which I don't also do. With guys, I notice all the little things <em>they</em> do that make them <em>masculine</em>, which of course I also don't do.<br />You know what? I have a lot more to say about this. Stay tuned for part three, in which the title becomes very relevant indeed and I continue to ramble on about my gender. I'll update sooner this time, I promise.That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-91595741211439420652009-05-28T13:47:00.001-07:002009-06-09T08:51:44.393-07:00"Don't dress so asexually"The quote is from a friend of mine, when we once ended up at the mall. The point of it is that he was equating the words "asexual" and "androgynous" and while the two terms aren't the same thing, they seem to show up in some of the same people.<br />In this discussion on AVEN, <a href="http://http//www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?showtopic=40530">http://http//www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?showtopic=40530</a>, GoAllyGoGo says, "Actually, I think my asexuality affected my gender identity. I'm mentally pretty androgynous, and I really think asexuality has been a major factor in that."<br /><br />I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm not even going to try, though I <em>am</em> going to elaborate on what that means to me.<br /><br />This is something I've told very few people: As a teenager, I thought briefly that I might be transgender. I didn't feel like a girl and it was very obvious to me that the other people around me <em>did</em>, in some unfathomable way, feel gendered. People must feel gendered and proof of it exists all around us. I wanted to wear a suit to the Homecoming dance my senior year and go with a friend. I figured that if one of us wore a suit and the other a dress, we'd be able to dance together, and that we'd fit better than if we both wore dresses. Oddly, nobody else saw this.<br />Further proof of gender- it occured to me that the fact that people feel gendered is what makes the drag show at my school possible. There has to be an opposite to dress up as, if you're going to be in the drag show. So yeah, there's proof everywhere. Gender, social construct or not, exists as a very real thing for the vast majority of people. There's your gender, and the opposite gender.<br /><br />For me, there's no opposite. Dressing up in a suit feels just as right as wearing a dress. Sometimes one feels better than the other, frequently I'm equally happy with either choice. For Halloween, again, my senior year of High School, I dressed up for a party as (no, I'm not kidding here) a Midshipman of the Royal Navy, Napoleanic War era. I'd been reading too many Patrick O'Brian novels, and I thought that would be really fun. It was; if I ever find a picture of it again, I'll post it here. Anyway, I went all out trying to look as authentic as possible. I pinned my hair like crazy and wore a top hat that covered it all and a big shirt, because I'm girl <em>shaped</em> at least, and I actually tea-stained a pair of white tights, for stockings, and a pair of white gaucho pants which I then cut up and sewed into knee breeches. It looked great. I showed a friend a picture, much later, and she said, "Who's that guy?" I guess some people might have been offended, but I was pleased. It proved that my costume had looked good.<br /><br />So I finally decided that I'm not actually transgender. I'm... not anything, really. I'm okay with female pronouns and wearing dresses and using my given name, which I'm attached to after all these years. But I still don't feel like a girl should feel. But I'm okay with that, now. I've learned to understand it and how it fits into my life. In my next post, I'll explain how that fits into my identity as an asexual person and what GoAllyGoGo's quote has to do with any of this.<br /><br />By the way, if anyone knows how to get make a word a link, like making it so people can click on the phrase "this thread" and that's the link, can you tell me? Thanks!That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-48501043348576645572009-05-22T12:35:00.000-07:002009-05-22T13:34:48.335-07:00Squish!I have a new favorite word! That word is "squish" and I have this AVEN thread to thank for it: <a href="http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?showtopic=23290">http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?showtopic=23290</a><br /><br />A 'squish' is kind of like a crush, but it's non-romantic. It's that feeling that you'd love to get to know someone better, not to have a romantic or sexual relationship with them, but just because they're an interesting person. If I have a squish on someone, I want to be around them a lot and talking to them. I want to know what they think and I want them to approve of what I think, do and say. I'm probably also a little shy and awkward about them, because that's just me and I kind of go into my shell whenever I'm worried about another person's opinion.<br /><br />I love the word 'squish' to describe that feeling. It's remarkably different from a crush, in that I don't actually desire to date the person. No kissing is necessary, though I love hugs no matter who they come from. I think this is a feeling that sexual people have also and I think it's what's meant by a 'bromance'(another of my favorite words) but of course 'bromance' isn't the sort of thing you can say about two girls.<br /><br />So once I started thinking about this whole concept of having a squish, I started kind of classifying my relationships and how I feel about people I know.<br /><br />As far as my best friends are concerned, I've decided that's not a squish. I love them like sibings and while I would like them to think well of me, I'm never anxious about whether they do. I'm secure in the idea that they will love me even when I do crazy stuff and I am totally comfortable with them.<br />PRISM members on the other hand... I have come to the conclusion that I have a squish on just about everyone in that group. I think the world of them and I am anxious to have them think well of me. I love spending time with them, just hanging around and I love just listening to what they have to say. .<br />Definite squish.That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-71481950212997093802009-05-19T20:01:00.000-07:002009-05-19T20:21:25.958-07:00Romance in BooksDespite the fact that I'm really, really tired, I feel bad because it's been a while since I posted. I figure I'm doing pretty well posting about twice a week and I don't want to do any less than that, since that's about the minimum that would keep <em>me</em> interested in reading a blog. I'm rambling, but I think that this post is going to contain a lot of that.<br />I wanted to touch on the subject of romance in books/movies/etc. (whatever "etc." entails in this case.) In short, I usually dislike it.<br />I totally think it's because I'm asexual. I feel like so often the character's romances change them and they stop being an interesting independant person and start sighing over their love interest. This is very boring to me. I love reading books where the main character can handle their problems by themself or with the help of friends- without their hormones coming to life in the middle and the author sticking in a romance just because there should be one, or just for a plot complication.<br />Now, that isn't to say that I dislike all romance in all media. I have to confess here, I actually do find it cute sometimes. What I dislike is romance as a subplot, just to give the character something to be angsty about. Examples:<br />I like the romance in 'A Very Long Engagement' because it's the whole point of the movie- that Matilde is in love with Manech and is determined to find him if he's still alive.<br />I dislike the romance in the Harry Potter books, actually, because I didn't like how neatly everyone paired off at the end.<br />I liked the romance plotline in 'A Semester in the Life of a Garbage Bag' (one of my favorite books!) partly because Sean is so unlucky with the girl he likes and partly because it's not at all angsty and dramatic- on the contrary, even their eventual kiss is very funny.<br />I dislike the romance that they stick in the last few seconds of 'War of the Buttons', because I thought the kids, who are no older than about 13 at the end of the movie, didn't need their future romantic lives mentioned. (Also it's the most frusterating ending ever, because the female narrator, speaking of the two male leads, says that "I married one and the other was our best friend- but I shan't tell you which is which." Argh.)<br />I liked the romance in 'The Raging Quiet' because it came about slowly and naturally and there was no blushing and sighing over the love interest.<br />I disliked the romance in just about any of the Tamora Pierce books, because I loved the strong female main characters, and didn't like it when they got whiny about boys. It felt unempowering to me, as a girl who doesn't get whiny about boys.<br /><br />Now, like I said, I connect that to being asexual. I think that, because of the way my sexuality works, I view relationships pragmatically. Which is not to say that I wasn't upset when my last boyfriend dumped me- I was, but I didn't spend a week sitting around sighing. That's why characters whining over their love interests annoys me. I just don't see how that's mentally healthy and it bothers the heck out of me when actual real life acquaintainces do much of it. Being upset because your relationship didn't work out, sure- you get my sympathy. Sighing and whining because you have a crush on a boy you've never even talked to? Oh for heaven's sake.<br />Secondly, I dislike when characters are made to look incomplete without a partner. That's why I didn't like when J. K. Rowling paired everyone off. I thought it should be okay for somebody not to get married or something. At least not to the obvious character we'd all known since Book 1! This is also why I dislike gratuitous romance scenes. If your character was okay before, why do you have to have a love interest to make them complete? If they <em>weren't</em> okay before, why is it that only a love interest can <em>make</em> them complete? Newsflash! Single people are complete also!<br /><br />On that note, I'm going to bed. I think I've said all I can coherently say and I'm making more typos than you can imagine. Goodnight, all!That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-86159419280457676992009-05-14T19:22:00.000-07:002009-05-14T19:37:42.227-07:00TMI?No, it won't really be TMI, but I've been wanting to blog and I had the coolest dream last night with an asexual twist to it. So, I have these really vivid dreams sometimes- they have whole complicated plotlines and characters and stuff and they're really fun to have. Me being me, I spend all day thinking about them.<br />So in the dream I had last night, I was one of a group of four people who were running away from... er, something. It was dangerous, I remember that much, and we were being chased. At one point, one of us got caught by whoever was chasing us and we started to argue and ended up splitting up as a result. (I promise, this gets relevant. Really.)<br />So I'm standing on the sidewalk someplace and this boy, one of my 'friends' in the dream, is kneeling in front of me, stuffing his belongings in a duffel bag. (His name was Henry. Ask me how I remember this.) I asked him what he was going to do next and he replied that he was going out west ("Santa Fe or someplace." Newsies anybody?) where he could be safe. I asked if I could come along and he wasn't sure that would work out and I suggested that we get asexually married. Not in so many words, though- I remember thinking in the dream that it would be perfect because we loved each other deeply as friends and that way we could stay together forever. The dream version of me was thinking how perfect that would be, me being ase, that Henry wasn't attracted to me 'like that' and that if he would marry me I would have someone to love and grow old with and there would be no relationship pressure. Plus, we could keep each other safe from whoever had been chasing us for the majority of the dream, which was kind of the point.<br /><br />So yeah, it was weirdly vivid, this dream I had. And somehow it managed to sum up exactly what I want in a relationship someday. Someone I love who loves me, someone to grow old with, somebody who wouldn't pressure me in a relationship and someone who's on the same wavelength as I am. (I'm kind of extrapolating that from the shared goals we had in my dream.)<br />Plus, the guy in my dream was really cute. Maybe I should write a book about it. I could be the next Stephanie Mayer.<br />(Kidding, kidding.)That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-42402302930186279002009-05-10T20:21:00.000-07:002009-05-10T20:23:22.153-07:00Dying AloneI think this is an asexual's biggest fear. With 'coming out and being laughed at/ignored/disbelieved/put in therapy' as a close second, I think that asexuals spend a lot of time and energy worrying about being alone forever. This worry definitely gets a lot of press on AVEN, I think, and it's not an illogical fear. But I also think that, while 'dying alone' is a valid worry, especially for an asexual, we spend too much time thinking about it. This is why:<br /><br />To my way of thinking, whether we are alone at any point in our lives is something we can control. Maybe we can't control whether we have a romantic partner and certainly not all of us want that. Maybe we can't control the fact that our friends will get married and be the sexual people they are and might spend less time with us than they used to, and maybe they'll even leave us entirely. But we can control how we spend our time and how we get involved in our communities. We can control our relationships with family members and with neighbors and we can form new relationships in non-traditional ways with people we've never even met.These are some of my suggestions for combating the problem of 'dying alone'.<br /><br />1) Stay close with your family. I've never wanted kids of my own, really, but I'm totally looking forward to being the fun aunt to my brothers' and sister's kids. I love my own aunts and I enjoy spending time with them and if they ever needed me I'd be right there to help. By being a good aunt, I can have a relationship with younger members of my family who will want to be there to support me and help me out when I get old.<br /><br />2) Get involved in your church or community service program. Big Brothers, Big Sisters, as I understand, pairs up kids who need mentoring with adults willing to mentor. By getting involved, you can have a non-traditional relationship with a younger person. With a little luck, you could end up having a very good relationship that might continue past their childhood years.<br /><br />3) Stay close to your friends. Several recent conversations on AVEN have centered around the idea of friends getting into sexual relationships and ignoring their non-sexual relationships. I think to an extent, people are always going to spend more of their energy on their marital relationships. But just because my parents are best friends doesn't mean they don't also have friends other than each other. Maybe as an asexual, without a single sexual partner to focus on, I will just need to cultivate a wider circle of friends in order to increase the chance that somebody will be available to talk or spend time with me. I should probably also learn to plan ahead in order to find time with friends who have busy family lives.<br /><br />4) Join stuff. Becoming a hardcore member of a group focused on things you're interested in, an asexual can find people with similar interests who are dedicated to spending time together on a regular basis. If you get really involved with a club or group that's close knit, you can bet the group will take care of each other outside of meetings, too.<br /><br />5) Have an unusual relationship. This is probably the hardest, but it's my favorite option- I'd love to have a partner to spend my life with. Ideally, I think we'd be like live-in best friends. We might have our own rooms, but because we would live together, we could share vacations, or a mortgage or pets... but unlike a traditional marriage, maybe my partner would be another woman (who I wouldn't be attracted to, cause I'm romantically interested in guys) or they'd be a man who I just didn't have a sexual relationship with. If both parties were happy with it, I actually think this sounds like a lot of fun.That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-50769690951731262752009-05-06T12:11:00.000-07:002009-05-06T12:37:12.095-07:00Why I Love Alex SanchezIf you've never read anything by Alex Sanchez, you really ought to. A couple years ago, I read the 'Rainboy Boys' series and got hooked- it's about three gay teenagers and tells the story of their last year of high school and first summer before college. I've liked all the books I've read by Alex Sanchez and I think there are a few reasons why. Since I discovered AVEN and asexuality, I've always felt a kind of attachment to the LGBT community, which has only gotten stronger since I started college and got involved in PRISM. But in High School, I wasn't allowed to join the school GSA and I didn't know many people who were gay. I didn't feel like part of that community and Alex Sanchez's books...well, they gave me something gay in my life. They gave me a link to other queer teenagers at a time when I had almost no other link to the LGBT community.<br />The books have never mentioned asexuality...until now!! Since I started 'Rainbow Boys', his first book and the first of the trilogy that got me hooked on Alex Sanchez, I've had my eyes peeled for him to mention asexuality. It always seemed like the sort of thing he would do, since his writing seems to go out of it's way to include all types of people.<br />So I got to the library this week and picked up the two books of his that I haven't read- "Getting It" and "The God Box".<br />Now "The God Box'' is about reconciling Christianity and being gay, which, as a Christian, I think more people ought to be talking about. I was really excited to read this book and I'm thrilled I did because halfway through the main character's friend tells him this:"Even if sexual orientation were a choice, aren't we a country where we're supposed to be free to pursue our happiness, whether we're hetero-, homo-, bi-, trans- or even a- sexual?"<br />I love the assumption that ases are normal. I love the assumption that asexuality is just another option for human sexuality and identity. I love the assumption that we fit in with the LGBT community.<br />I love Alex Sanchez! *cake*That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-46053251445364357822009-05-03T12:33:00.000-07:002009-05-10T20:00:04.777-07:00Why Being Ase is AceI've sat through a few heavy conversations today about death. Specifically, my parents (and other adults I love) talking about how awful it would be to lose your child and then about what it was like to lose a parent. As a kid, (I'm not <em>that</em> young, but I'm just young enough not to think of myself as a grownup) that was really kind of upsetting. After that, I need something happy. So today I'm blogging about the nice things about being asexual.<br /><br />1) I feel like I have more love to spread around.<br />Because I'm not caught up in looking for 'the one', meaning a sexual partner, I spend all that love on my friends. I'm not waiting around for a single person who I will then consider the most important relationship of my life. Every sexual person to whom I try to explain this, denies it. They don't see their eventual sexual partner as the person who will be the primary focus of their love and attention. Guess what? I think they're wrong about themselves.<br /><br />2) I can talk to guys. And they like me.<br />Once, when I was in Girl Scouts, we went to a scout-sponsored beach weekend for both Boy and Girl Scouts. The girls in my troop, much more boy-crazy than me and much less sensible (if I do say so myself) decided to spend the evening 'picking up boys'. Keep in mind we were in the 8th grade and I guess their hormones were kicking in. The boys we "picked up" happened to be high school sophmores or so and a bit on the dorky side. The other girls in my troop were kind of eyeing them and giggling, despite having invited them to go on a carnival ride with us. I made my way over to them and said hello, as though I had a brain in my head. Turned out they were in their school band, like me, and they spent the evening talking to <em>me</em> and going on the carnival rides with <em>me.</em> I don't think my Girl Scout troop ever forgave me but boy, did that make me laugh.<br /><br />3) I can be comfortable in my own skin.<br />I don't spend any of my time trying to please a potential sexual partner. I once had a friend tell me that she thinks my motives are more pure than hers, because she'll sometimes get to know someone purely based on attraction, which I can honestly say I've never done. I don't worry about looking good enough to pick up boys and I don't worry about being the prettiest girl in the room. Actually, in a large group of girls I feel like the token boy (/masculine person, I guess I don't really feel like a boy either) so I certainly don't think about being prettier than anyone. I'm also unafraid to be a dork, as evidenced by several years in the marching band, the debate team, and a reenacting habit... I mean- hobby. Yeah, that's right. It's just a hobby, I swear.That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2056051482493262217.post-58249661858670202792009-04-28T19:09:00.000-07:002009-04-28T19:30:36.070-07:00Openly AsexualNot a coming out post. In no way.<br /><br />"He is gay, guys. Only he doesn't talk about it all the time, on account of having interests outside of being gay." ~Ryan North, comic character<br /><br />I was gonna wait a day or so to post, so as to space things out, but I've given up on that. This has been bugging me for a long time and I'm going to vent, darnit!<br />What is it with identifying people's sexualities? If somebody's not straight and they're mentioned in the media, or in conversation it seems like their sexuality always gets inserted right next to their name. "Jim Bob, a gay Minnesotan, thinks this about fishing season" or "Mary Jane, an openly asexual librarian, likes to correct other people's punctuation." (ooh, stereotypes...)<br /><br />Why do they do this? I get that in some contexts it makes total sense, but I see it freaking everywhere! I was reading an article online which talked about the 'openly gay registrar' of a country in Iowa (okay, maybe it was just a little bit relevant.) Still, the registrar wasn't the one getting married and I don't recall that she said anything earth-shaking. But they still stuck her sexuality in there.<br /><br />Now, I get that in that case the person's sexuality was relevant and knowing her sexuality helps us understand her motivations and where she's coming from. But the quote I started this post with is quite a good point. GLBTA people have interests other than in being GLBTA! I'm pretty certain gay people don't sit around thinking about the fact that they're gay any more than I sit around thinking about being ase. Of course, I do that to some extent, because I'm blogging about it, but it's in the context of ordinary life. Of course it think about it during the day, but not "Wow...I'm asexual." More along the lines of "Ugh... I could have done without that last 'that's what she said' because I'm ase..." So I think that mentioning sexualities every time somebody's not straight, unless it's definitely relevant to the conversation, is probably pointless.<br /><br />In fact, what if we purposely leave it out and just treat it like it's normal? If I'm talking about my friend Cory, and I just casually mention his latest boyfriend <em>without starting the sentance with 'My friend Cory, who's bi..."</em> what would happen? Nothing dramatic, I think. At worst, somebody would be confused and I'd back up and explain that Cory likes guys. At best, somebody is surprised when it clicks in their mind that Cory is a boy who likes boys and they are forced to challenge their own assumptions about gender and sexuality. And that can't be too bad.<br /><br />I like that it takes the emphasis off of people's sexuality and assumes that because a person is human, their sexuality is normal. Reminds me of a guy in my campus GSA (we call it PRISM and I'm going to talk about it a lot. I love the group) who, when we talked at one meeting about the term 'queer' went on a long rant about how we shouldn't need these labels- we're all human and that should be good enough. I agree, and I think it would be great if we could change the way we talk in order to change the fact that we view sexuality as a dividing line and start seeing everyone, regardless of sexuality, as simply human.That American Kidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13388651195066950496noreply@blogger.com2