No, I don't have one. Well... maybe not? I don't think so? Long story. But it is so incredibly awkward when I think someone might have one on me. I don't know how much more there is to say about it, but knowing me I'll come up with some commentary.
The thing is, crushes are more complicated for asexuals than for sexuals, which is saying a lot because I don't think crushes are particularly simple for sexuals. An asexual person is gonna have one of two pretty unique experiences. If they're aromantic, that's one situation and if they're romantic, that's another altogether.
So, I'm no expert on being aromantic because I'm romantic (though not very, and not in the stereotypical way. That's a post in itself). But I'm going to venture a guess that being aromantic and knowing someone has a crush on you is probably super awkward. Cause there's not a snowball's chance in heck that you're going to feel the same way about them. And if you're romantic, it's awkward because you still aren't quite going to feel the same way about them, with the added bonus of the fact that you might be quite interested in them, but not in the way they are interested in your or in the way they'd like you to be interested in them. Yikes.
How do people handle this? I've kind of got this idea that I'd like any guy I'd be into dating to know that I'm asexual. I don't know if I'd be able to have sex with anyone- I've just never been in a position to find out, because if I were ever to allow someone to have sex with me I'd have to trust them more than anyone in the world. I'd have to be more comfortable with them than with anyone else. It would take a lot of real closeness for me to be okay with that. What that means in a relationship is that we're not going to be doing the whole premarital sex thing, because if I were close enough to a guy to be able to have sex with him we'd be so close that we were married. Tell me if this doesn't make sense. But the problem is, at what point is is appropriate to tell someone? I want to get it out in the open before I start dating someone, but what if sexuality just isn't something we discuss? I try to avoid "the talk" because that's awkward and it makes a bigger deal out of it than I'm cool with. Gotta think about this one some more.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Gender-Fluid in a Gender-Solid World
This blog is turning out to be as much about gender as it is about asexuality. Not what I was planning, entirely, but hey, who am I to complain? An idea is an idea.
This week is orientation week at my University and I signed up to be an orientation leader because I'm crazy and masochistic. (Our dorms have no air conditioning, so I'm melting this week.) I'm having fun anyway.
One thing we did, during Orientation Leader training, was play a huge 120 person game of "trainwreck". This consists of sitting in a huge circle with one person standing in the middle. That person says their name and a fact about themselves and then anyone for whom that fact is true stands up and runs to find a new seat. The catch being, of course, that there is one more person than there are chairs and someone is left standing to begin the next round.
One of the facts someone used was "I am a girl" and later, "I am a guy". Of course, I stood up for "I am a girl", but because it's me and I think about my gender so frequently, I wondered- how would I have felt standing up for "I am a girl" if I felt more like a boy that day? Sometimes I do. It depends on a lot of different factors, none of which I'm going to detail here because I already did so in a very long series of earlier posts. As I'm sure we're all aware, it would have been all kinds of not fun if I had stood up for "I am a guy". People would have been very confused, probably would have corrected me and I would have been embarassed.
My gender identity has to do with my everyday life, but not really very much. I'm content with people reading me as female and treating me accordingly. It's just that sometimes I don't feel like a female. Honestly is not a requirement for playing "trainwreck", but what if my gender identity had really mattered to me, enough that I stood up and, in running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, implied that I'm not a girl?
This week is orientation week at my University and I signed up to be an orientation leader because I'm crazy and masochistic. (Our dorms have no air conditioning, so I'm melting this week.) I'm having fun anyway.
One thing we did, during Orientation Leader training, was play a huge 120 person game of "trainwreck". This consists of sitting in a huge circle with one person standing in the middle. That person says their name and a fact about themselves and then anyone for whom that fact is true stands up and runs to find a new seat. The catch being, of course, that there is one more person than there are chairs and someone is left standing to begin the next round.
One of the facts someone used was "I am a girl" and later, "I am a guy". Of course, I stood up for "I am a girl", but because it's me and I think about my gender so frequently, I wondered- how would I have felt standing up for "I am a girl" if I felt more like a boy that day? Sometimes I do. It depends on a lot of different factors, none of which I'm going to detail here because I already did so in a very long series of earlier posts. As I'm sure we're all aware, it would have been all kinds of not fun if I had stood up for "I am a guy". People would have been very confused, probably would have corrected me and I would have been embarassed.
My gender identity has to do with my everyday life, but not really very much. I'm content with people reading me as female and treating me accordingly. It's just that sometimes I don't feel like a female. Honestly is not a requirement for playing "trainwreck", but what if my gender identity had really mattered to me, enough that I stood up and, in running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, implied that I'm not a girl?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Filler and Fluff from the Beach!
So, what the heck is it with me not being capable of updating even once a week? I really do think that this will get more regular as I get back to school. Sneak preview- I decided (right this second, no lie) to do a weekly Monday-night update. What's so special about monday nights, you ask?
Monday night is PRISM night!!
Have I explained/bragged about PRISM yet? My beloved GSA... We meet every monday night and I love going to meetings. Plus, they're awesome and super supportive. I'll need to do a whole post on them at some point. The upshot of all this is that I always come away from PRISM with something to think about and though I do usually work up the courage to share (I'm a tad shy. Okay, really shy. I address all my comments to the center of the floor) I often have more to say, or I develop my thoughts further as I have more time to think about them. What better way to get it all out than to blog a bit? Plus, that means more/more regular updates here. Win, Win, Win, as Michael Scott would say.
As the title of my post suggests, I'm at the beach this week with the whole extended family. This means lots of quality time with my very liberal relatives, which is cool because I'm not in the minority for this one week every summer. It also means quality time with the brother.
My brother's been doing this funky thing lately where he apparently is obsessed with people's sexualities. He makes loads of gay jokes and calls people gay when what he really means is "dorky" or "strange". (He's 17. Perhaps that just explains it?) He also likes to give me heart attacks, and I nearly had one when he slyly referenced this blog, which, as you will recall, he has read. Out of curiosity, Tom, are you still reading this?
What I don't get is people's obsession with various sexualities. If sombody's a different sexuality than you, who gives a flying flip? Really, what does it matter? People insist that it does, but I can't think how. And somehow it's so important to each and every one of us. It changes the way we view people, the way we talk to them, the way we look at them...
I'm trying subtlely to prepare the family for me being asexual. Like insisting to my cousins yesterday that no, there really is not any guarantee that I'll ever be somebody's mom. Honestly, no. Just because I'm female does not mean I will ever have children. Gotta break down those notions now, because it's better to learn to take people as individuals. Just becasue somebody can physically have kids, doesn't mean they will.
Cake to anyone who can figure out how many points I just made in this post. I'm really really tired and misspelling every second or third word. Off to bed!
Monday night is PRISM night!!
Have I explained/bragged about PRISM yet? My beloved GSA... We meet every monday night and I love going to meetings. Plus, they're awesome and super supportive. I'll need to do a whole post on them at some point. The upshot of all this is that I always come away from PRISM with something to think about and though I do usually work up the courage to share (I'm a tad shy. Okay, really shy. I address all my comments to the center of the floor) I often have more to say, or I develop my thoughts further as I have more time to think about them. What better way to get it all out than to blog a bit? Plus, that means more/more regular updates here. Win, Win, Win, as Michael Scott would say.
As the title of my post suggests, I'm at the beach this week with the whole extended family. This means lots of quality time with my very liberal relatives, which is cool because I'm not in the minority for this one week every summer. It also means quality time with the brother.
My brother's been doing this funky thing lately where he apparently is obsessed with people's sexualities. He makes loads of gay jokes and calls people gay when what he really means is "dorky" or "strange". (He's 17. Perhaps that just explains it?) He also likes to give me heart attacks, and I nearly had one when he slyly referenced this blog, which, as you will recall, he has read. Out of curiosity, Tom, are you still reading this?
What I don't get is people's obsession with various sexualities. If sombody's a different sexuality than you, who gives a flying flip? Really, what does it matter? People insist that it does, but I can't think how. And somehow it's so important to each and every one of us. It changes the way we view people, the way we talk to them, the way we look at them...
I'm trying subtlely to prepare the family for me being asexual. Like insisting to my cousins yesterday that no, there really is not any guarantee that I'll ever be somebody's mom. Honestly, no. Just because I'm female does not mean I will ever have children. Gotta break down those notions now, because it's better to learn to take people as individuals. Just becasue somebody can physically have kids, doesn't mean they will.
Cake to anyone who can figure out how many points I just made in this post. I'm really really tired and misspelling every second or third word. Off to bed!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
The Internet is for Porn (sometimes)
After that last post, I'm going to stick in one that's a little less whiny. Angsty. Whatever.
Anyway, as I suggested a couple posts back, I found an asexual sort of viewpoint in that song, "The Internet is for Porn" from Avenue Q. I love that song- it's hysterical. For anyone who hasn't heard it, first of all- Youtube. Second of all, just so you can keep reading, in a nutshell it's about a girl who's "teaching a lesson" (I don't actually know what's going on, but that's how the song begins) about the internet and is going on about how great it is while another character interjects the phrase "for porn". Like this-
"The internet is really really great (for porn)
I have a fast connection so I don't have to wait (for porn!)"
And then the girl gets upset and tells the other character off because of course the internet is not for porn at all! She points out to other characters what sort of chaste things they do while online- shop, pay bills, send e-cards and stuff like that. Then the other character objects, "But what you think they do after?"
And they all admit that, yes, after they look at porn. The girl is totally disgusted. She can't believe that "normal people" would look at porn online. Never occurred to her and it disgusts her once it's pointed out. Totally sounds like something from the "Incredibly Ase Moments" thread on AVEN (which I love and read religiously).
Anyway, as I suggested a couple posts back, I found an asexual sort of viewpoint in that song, "The Internet is for Porn" from Avenue Q. I love that song- it's hysterical. For anyone who hasn't heard it, first of all- Youtube. Second of all, just so you can keep reading, in a nutshell it's about a girl who's "teaching a lesson" (I don't actually know what's going on, but that's how the song begins) about the internet and is going on about how great it is while another character interjects the phrase "for porn". Like this-
"The internet is really really great (for porn)
I have a fast connection so I don't have to wait (for porn!)"
And then the girl gets upset and tells the other character off because of course the internet is not for porn at all! She points out to other characters what sort of chaste things they do while online- shop, pay bills, send e-cards and stuff like that. Then the other character objects, "But what you think they do after?"
And they all admit that, yes, after they look at porn. The girl is totally disgusted. She can't believe that "normal people" would look at porn online. Never occurred to her and it disgusts her once it's pointed out. Totally sounds like something from the "Incredibly Ase Moments" thread on AVEN (which I love and read religiously).
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Third-Wheeling It
So, I have relationship problems. (Uh, what else is new with me? Not much.) My own relationship problem in the sense that it deals with the relationship between my best friend and I, but also his relationship which can be defined in the more traditional sense- with a girl.
So, I'm going to attempt to clarify for myself as well as for anyone reading why I am so upset when he gets into a new relationship. Not angry, but sad is probably the word I'm looking for here. I guess the reason would be that when he starts a relationship, guess where the sun starts to shine out of? Yup. So, I can look forward to seeing her every time I see him, I know I'm going to hear about everything they do together as well as plenty of things she does alone and tells him about. He likes to pass on interesting stories and to talk about things that interest him- especially the girlfriends.
The crazy thing is, I always get along with the girlfriends really well. He has yet to date a girl I didn't like and get along with. So what am I so sad about? I guess I feel like I lose my friend for a while when he partners with someone. I don't get him to myself until they break up and when we're in a group together he (and this sounds incredibly childish in my head) pays attention only or at least mostly to her. I feel like I have to turn cartwheels to get his attention to talk about something. I perpetually feel like I'm interrupting "their time" together.
I proabably could file this one under jealousy, too. We're really close and spend a ton of time together and it's like he starts dating and I lose all that time I used to enjoy with my friend.
So, an ongoing "thing" (I'm really sorry, I have no idea what else to call it) is that I'm always a nice number-two person. My problem here is that with the friend in question, we're each other's number-one people, the brother and sister, we always go to each other first with ideas and thoughts and to spend our free time... until he starts dating again. And then, just like that, I'm number two. He doesn't stop calling me, he doesn't leave me out of things we might have done together, he doesn't disappear. But I lose my number one. I feel like I'm being cheated on. (For the record, until I typed that I had never been able to pinpoint the reason behind the way I feel about his relationships. Just so you know the depth of what you're reading.) I still consider him my number-one person (family doesn't count, they're a category of their own) but he doesn't consider me his number-one anymore. It's like being left- over and over and over again and always making up in the end.
I don't know what I hope to gain from this post. I'm using it to figure out my feelings and so I should throw in this- that I connect this feeling to being Asexual. I feel that if I were sexual I would understand how somebody could have a new number-one so quickly. I don't- whenever I've dated, my friends were still my number-ones, which I sincerely hope never hurt one of the boyfriends. (Not like there were many anyway.) I feel like if I were sexual I could have my own number-one who I was dating and then we could be each other's number-two people and then it would be equal.
But I'm not and I feel really left behind and I have no way of explaining it to this person so that he'd understand. I don't even think of him changing because it is impossible and would result in resentment towards me, destroying our friendship. I don't know what to think.
End angsty post. Thanks guys.
So, I'm going to attempt to clarify for myself as well as for anyone reading why I am so upset when he gets into a new relationship. Not angry, but sad is probably the word I'm looking for here. I guess the reason would be that when he starts a relationship, guess where the sun starts to shine out of? Yup. So, I can look forward to seeing her every time I see him, I know I'm going to hear about everything they do together as well as plenty of things she does alone and tells him about. He likes to pass on interesting stories and to talk about things that interest him- especially the girlfriends.
The crazy thing is, I always get along with the girlfriends really well. He has yet to date a girl I didn't like and get along with. So what am I so sad about? I guess I feel like I lose my friend for a while when he partners with someone. I don't get him to myself until they break up and when we're in a group together he (and this sounds incredibly childish in my head) pays attention only or at least mostly to her. I feel like I have to turn cartwheels to get his attention to talk about something. I perpetually feel like I'm interrupting "their time" together.
I proabably could file this one under jealousy, too. We're really close and spend a ton of time together and it's like he starts dating and I lose all that time I used to enjoy with my friend.
So, an ongoing "thing" (I'm really sorry, I have no idea what else to call it) is that I'm always a nice number-two person. My problem here is that with the friend in question, we're each other's number-one people, the brother and sister, we always go to each other first with ideas and thoughts and to spend our free time... until he starts dating again. And then, just like that, I'm number two. He doesn't stop calling me, he doesn't leave me out of things we might have done together, he doesn't disappear. But I lose my number one. I feel like I'm being cheated on. (For the record, until I typed that I had never been able to pinpoint the reason behind the way I feel about his relationships. Just so you know the depth of what you're reading.) I still consider him my number-one person (family doesn't count, they're a category of their own) but he doesn't consider me his number-one anymore. It's like being left- over and over and over again and always making up in the end.
I don't know what I hope to gain from this post. I'm using it to figure out my feelings and so I should throw in this- that I connect this feeling to being Asexual. I feel that if I were sexual I would understand how somebody could have a new number-one so quickly. I don't- whenever I've dated, my friends were still my number-ones, which I sincerely hope never hurt one of the boyfriends. (Not like there were many anyway.) I feel like if I were sexual I could have my own number-one who I was dating and then we could be each other's number-two people and then it would be equal.
But I'm not and I feel really left behind and I have no way of explaining it to this person so that he'd understand. I don't even think of him changing because it is impossible and would result in resentment towards me, destroying our friendship. I don't know what to think.
End angsty post. Thanks guys.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Guilty Listing
This is what I've been up to lately:
~Hiking in the desert
~Seeing the Grand Canyon
~Spending 12-hour days in the car
~Changing the occasional tire on the side of a highway in Texas
~Catching up on those podcasts David Jay did a while back
~Daydreaming
~Fiction writing
~Feeling guilty for not updating my blog in forever.
~Finding out what adjective goes with sheep (sheep are 'ovine' like cats are feline.)
What I haven't been doing:
~Forgetting about the blog
I've actually had a boatload of ideas for posts. I'm going to write them down here as teasers/space fillers/to assuage my conscience.
~Asexuality in the song "The Internet is for Porn"
~My inability to write about relationships when I write fiction
~How I used to feel about not being "out" to my parents, and how I feel about it now
~How I really should have written these things down as I thought about them :)
~The podcast.
~Hiking in the desert
~Seeing the Grand Canyon
~Spending 12-hour days in the car
~Changing the occasional tire on the side of a highway in Texas
~Catching up on those podcasts David Jay did a while back
~Daydreaming
~Fiction writing
~Feeling guilty for not updating my blog in forever.
~Finding out what adjective goes with sheep (sheep are 'ovine' like cats are feline.)
What I haven't been doing:
~Forgetting about the blog
I've actually had a boatload of ideas for posts. I'm going to write them down here as teasers/space fillers/to assuage my conscience.
~Asexuality in the song "The Internet is for Porn"
~My inability to write about relationships when I write fiction
~How I used to feel about not being "out" to my parents, and how I feel about it now
~How I really should have written these things down as I thought about them :)
~The podcast.
Friday, June 19, 2009
How I Came Out To My Brother
He found this blog.
Henrik had been joking that if I wanted to come out to my family, I should have them listen to the podcast we're doing* and of course I didn't take him seriously. But I left AVEN up once, apparently, even though I thought I was being as careful as I could be. Guess not.
So my nosy little brother (not little anymore: he's about to turn 18 and graduated from High School yesterday, which I'm very proud of him for) had a good look at the AVEN boards and foun my username. As he explained it, he figured I was the only one dorky enough to have a lolcats avatar (I'm totally not!) and when he saw the link to this blog, he got that it was a Big Bang Theory reference and knew for sure that I was the only one who would do something like that.
His plan, he said, was to read the blog and comment anonymously to 'get the whole story', but he changed his mind and just asked me about it instead. And he's totally cool with me being ase.
Happy ending.
*have I plugged my podcast yet? alifepodcast.wordpress.com
Henrik had been joking that if I wanted to come out to my family, I should have them listen to the podcast we're doing* and of course I didn't take him seriously. But I left AVEN up once, apparently, even though I thought I was being as careful as I could be. Guess not.
So my nosy little brother (not little anymore: he's about to turn 18 and graduated from High School yesterday, which I'm very proud of him for) had a good look at the AVEN boards and foun my username. As he explained it, he figured I was the only one dorky enough to have a lolcats avatar (I'm totally not!) and when he saw the link to this blog, he got that it was a Big Bang Theory reference and knew for sure that I was the only one who would do something like that.
His plan, he said, was to read the blog and comment anonymously to 'get the whole story', but he changed his mind and just asked me about it instead. And he's totally cool with me being ase.
Happy ending.
*have I plugged my podcast yet? alifepodcast.wordpress.com
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