So, I have relationship problems. (Uh, what else is new with me? Not much.) My own relationship problem in the sense that it deals with the relationship between my best friend and I, but also his relationship which can be defined in the more traditional sense- with a girl.
So, I'm going to attempt to clarify for myself as well as for anyone reading why I am so upset when he gets into a new relationship. Not angry, but sad is probably the word I'm looking for here. I guess the reason would be that when he starts a relationship, guess where the sun starts to shine out of? Yup. So, I can look forward to seeing her every time I see him, I know I'm going to hear about everything they do together as well as plenty of things she does alone and tells him about. He likes to pass on interesting stories and to talk about things that interest him- especially the girlfriends.
The crazy thing is, I always get along with the girlfriends really well. He has yet to date a girl I didn't like and get along with. So what am I so sad about? I guess I feel like I lose my friend for a while when he partners with someone. I don't get him to myself until they break up and when we're in a group together he (and this sounds incredibly childish in my head) pays attention only or at least mostly to her. I feel like I have to turn cartwheels to get his attention to talk about something. I perpetually feel like I'm interrupting "their time" together.
I proabably could file this one under jealousy, too. We're really close and spend a ton of time together and it's like he starts dating and I lose all that time I used to enjoy with my friend.
So, an ongoing "thing" (I'm really sorry, I have no idea what else to call it) is that I'm always a nice number-two person. My problem here is that with the friend in question, we're each other's number-one people, the brother and sister, we always go to each other first with ideas and thoughts and to spend our free time... until he starts dating again. And then, just like that, I'm number two. He doesn't stop calling me, he doesn't leave me out of things we might have done together, he doesn't disappear. But I lose my number one. I feel like I'm being cheated on. (For the record, until I typed that I had never been able to pinpoint the reason behind the way I feel about his relationships. Just so you know the depth of what you're reading.) I still consider him my number-one person (family doesn't count, they're a category of their own) but he doesn't consider me his number-one anymore. It's like being left- over and over and over again and always making up in the end.
I don't know what I hope to gain from this post. I'm using it to figure out my feelings and so I should throw in this- that I connect this feeling to being Asexual. I feel that if I were sexual I would understand how somebody could have a new number-one so quickly. I don't- whenever I've dated, my friends were still my number-ones, which I sincerely hope never hurt one of the boyfriends. (Not like there were many anyway.) I feel like if I were sexual I could have my own number-one who I was dating and then we could be each other's number-two people and then it would be equal.
But I'm not and I feel really left behind and I have no way of explaining it to this person so that he'd understand. I don't even think of him changing because it is impossible and would result in resentment towards me, destroying our friendship. I don't know what to think.
End angsty post. Thanks guys.