Monday, August 24, 2009

A Real Live Crush

No, I don't have one. Well... maybe not? I don't think so? Long story. But it is so incredibly awkward when I think someone might have one on me. I don't know how much more there is to say about it, but knowing me I'll come up with some commentary.

The thing is, crushes are more complicated for asexuals than for sexuals, which is saying a lot because I don't think crushes are particularly simple for sexuals. An asexual person is gonna have one of two pretty unique experiences. If they're aromantic, that's one situation and if they're romantic, that's another altogether.

So, I'm no expert on being aromantic because I'm romantic (though not very, and not in the stereotypical way. That's a post in itself). But I'm going to venture a guess that being aromantic and knowing someone has a crush on you is probably super awkward. Cause there's not a snowball's chance in heck that you're going to feel the same way about them. And if you're romantic, it's awkward because you still aren't quite going to feel the same way about them, with the added bonus of the fact that you might be quite interested in them, but not in the way they are interested in your or in the way they'd like you to be interested in them. Yikes.

How do people handle this? I've kind of got this idea that I'd like any guy I'd be into dating to know that I'm asexual. I don't know if I'd be able to have sex with anyone- I've just never been in a position to find out, because if I were ever to allow someone to have sex with me I'd have to trust them more than anyone in the world. I'd have to be more comfortable with them than with anyone else. It would take a lot of real closeness for me to be okay with that. What that means in a relationship is that we're not going to be doing the whole premarital sex thing, because if I were close enough to a guy to be able to have sex with him we'd be so close that we were married. Tell me if this doesn't make sense. But the problem is, at what point is is appropriate to tell someone? I want to get it out in the open before I start dating someone, but what if sexuality just isn't something we discuss? I try to avoid "the talk" because that's awkward and it makes a bigger deal out of it than I'm cool with. Gotta think about this one some more.


  1. Long comment, ahoy!

    So, I agree with basically every word in this post. Especially this part: "What that means in a relationship is that we're not going to be doing the whole premarital sex thing, because if I were close enough to a guy to be able to have sex with him we'd be so close that we were married." This is exactly how I feel about the issue of when I, personally, would have sex with someone.

    I have a guy friend that...I guess we've been on a couple dates, and emotionally we're quite close. But neither of us are trying to push this into a relationship, although I think it's something we'd both like. I haven't talked to him about my asexuality because, like you say, it's not something I want to make a big deal out of. But it needs to be said, and soon. If I get the impression that he's wanting to push our friendship into relationship territory, then he'll have a right to know, and I'll have to tell him. I've always felt that my sexuality is no one's business but my own and whoever I am in a relationship with, though, so unless we start moving clearly in that direction, I probably won't talk about it.

    Of course, I have no balls (both literally and figuratively). So I'm probably just rationalizing my own cowardice here. XP

  2. Go ahead and rationalize... I'm not terribly excited about the experience I'd have telling a potential boyfriend that I'm not likely to have/want sex with him. I'd imagine that's one of life's more awkward experiences, although last time I dated someone I told him and he said, "Oh, yeah, I know some people like that." He was a special case, though.

  3. Yeah...I've turned down a guy before by letting him know I was ace. I wasn't interested in him romantically, and I knew him well enough to know that if he knew I was ace, he wouldn't be interested anymore. But this coming out is so different...trying to explain my romantic feelings although I might never want to have sex with him...bah.

    I think he'll be at least somewhat understanding though...I wouldn't want him as a boyfriend otherwise. That's cool that your last guy was familiar with the concept, though. That would definitely help.

  4. "What that means in a relationship is that we're not going to be doing the whole premarital sex thing, because if I were close enough to a guy to be able to have sex with him we'd be so close that we were married. Tell me if this doesn't make sense."

    I'm not sure on that point. I completely get that you'd need to know someone for years, but if you get into a relationship with someone and say "No sex until we're married", you'll have to make very sure that he also completely understands that you may not be having sex after marriage, and there's a very good possibility that you'll try it once or twice and decide not to have it, and he shouldn't get his hopes up, or the marriage could go bad. It'd be a lot better to either experiment with sex while you're engaged, so you know where you stand on it before you get to the altar, or to let them know it'll be a sexless marriage and then talk about the possibilty of experimentation once in that marriage.

  5. Ugh, I wrote a response and it disappeared. :( What I had said was that I was gonna try to explain myself more clearly. There's nothing magic about the ceremony of marriage that I'm waiting for. I just mean that the kind of love, understanding, closeness that I'd have to feel before I wanted to marry a guy is the same set of things I'd have to feel in order to be comfortable having sex with a guy and, subsequently, communicating openly about it with him.

  6. I find that the easiest way to come out is to innocuously slip the fact that you are ace into a conversation as if you were assuming the other party already knew. For example, you might use it as supporting evidence of kind for an opinion. Another way to do it is to make a comment along the lines of "Well I am asexual so I cant really speak to . . .." There are an almost distressing number of opportunities to make sure comments. I don't know about your peer group, but once I decided to come out in general (rather than just to specific people) I found using this technique really effective. I was out with no particularly weird or uncomfortable scenarios to just about everyone I regularly have contact with in about two weeks.

  7. i feel the same way you do. i'd have to be pretty close to someone to get sexually intimate. i would have to trust them a great deal and they have to fully understand and appreciate my asexuality especially since i'm a biromantic asexual (with a heterosexual lean). I'd probably be okay with a sexual lover but if my lover were male he would probably also have to be asexual. i forgot why. or maybe i intuited it. (this would be the time to whip out my logic- and pomosexual-hats)

    i sort of don't have friends nor do meet people often so it's hard to accurately gauge my feelings. but interestingly, i think i have a fear of following through with any homoromantic crushes and have more confidence with heteroromantic crushes.

    I have not much to say about when (i think) people have crushes on me. actually, it never occurs to me that anyone has a crush on me. this may be because I'm so wrapped-up and interested in the asexiness (the intellectual sexiness we exude when a conversation is going really well) of the conversations i have with people. i enjoy that very much. In those types of interactions there seems to be a level of asexuality that arises as the grounds for growth. Even if the person I'm with is sexual and we're having a blast doing whatever we're doing, for some time we are both asexual. The social conditions about gender identity and sexual expectations drop away and it's really good. it's almost like "really good sex" ... lol.

    this post might offer some insight into what i'm getting at.

  8. Long comment numero dos! I get your thoughts on sex having to be in an extremely close relationship--marriage or close to it. And I'm so glad someone wrote about the crush dynamic! I've always been flirtationdeaf until the person crushing is absolutely over the top and aggressive. And when I finally notice they're hitting on me I'm horrified. A few times I've been insulted by flirtation. I don't know why I've felt a man wanting me in a sexual way meant he didn't care about me in an Asexual way--intellect to intellect, heart to heart. I--irrationally, I know-- feel as if someone being attracted to me means I cannot be their friend or trust/respect them again. I've had crushes on friends (of course, I've never aggressively flirted with these crushes so they might not ever know) and then stayed friends, so I know it's a cruel double standard in my head. I have a blog, and a lot of it is spent making fun of the ways men hit on me. I think
    if I took the flirtation seriously I'd be more freaked out than usual. Do you pity people who have crushes on you or try to get them to be a platonic friend?
    P.S. I LOVE the Big Bang Theory!